seeking addiction

June came and winter was here.

Or was it summer?

After Lisbon, I went home for 2 days, neatly able to fit in my oldest daughter's graduation. Talk about life changing. Only moments before I was a twenty-something and she was wearing a Pooh dress everywhere she went.

_______________

"… anxiety and depression, insomnia, intestinal disorders, migraine, stress related disorders, stomach problems, and suicidal thoughts.

If behaviors like gambling can become a genuine addiction, there is no theoretical reason why some people might not become genuinely addicted to activities like video games, work or exercise.*

10 hours after her graduation, I was packing my winter clothes and  flying to Buenos Aires for my second time singing Adorno in Simon Boccanegra. And I was unhappy with most of the work I had done in the last 4 months. Obsessing about that fact did not make for a happy tenor.
I've always thought I might be an alcoholic-in-the-making if it weren't for the simple fact that you can't really have a career and drink to excess. Or at least I've been too scared to try. But obsessing is something I excelled at.
_______________

… the fundamental difference between excessive enthusiasm and addiction is that healthy enthusiasms add to life whereas addiction takes away from it.
    For any behavior to be defined as addictive, there have to be specific consequences such as it becoming the most important activity in the person's life or being the way they improve their mood..
    They may also begin to need to do more and more of the activity over time to feel the effects, and experience physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms if they can't do it.*"

With questions and doubt plaguing my arrival to a fantastic, new and exciting opportunity, rehearsals commenced.

And I sang every day for hours at a time, obsessing, SEEKING. I forgot to look up and enjoy myself. After 3 weeks of rehearsal my throat stopped allowing the abuse. She went by-by. I went to the doctor and it was immediately apparent that 1.) I was stupid, and 2.) eating the wrong things and/or worrying far too much. The reflux that haunted me some years ago was back with a vengeance.

I had to walk away from a debut at Teatro Colon, one of the seven wonders of the acoustical world. I'm glad I did, cuz it just wan't happening.

And there was no backing away from obsessively practicing, seeking perfection, or trying to get my voice back in form. I still had many more steps to take to hit bottom.

So I began to think about Jerry Hadley.

* from Why Anything Can Be Addictive

By Dr Mark Griffiths

Nottingham Trent University