Forgiven

Before Parsifal began I found myself standing in front of a microphone in Hollywood, CA. It had been many years since working in a studio. I went there to prove to myself (and others) that I could allow my full self into my singing, into my acting and into my time onstage.

Its probably hard to understand, but for those of us brought up in environments based more on orthodoxy and less on grace, you carry around a lot of self-doubt. I won't take up space here to paint that picture but it is a tough jump to make, from piety to palcoscenico. But this past month and a half has made me realize some things about myself. I am not Calixto, not am I Honeck. I am somewhere in between.

It's the home stretch. We've got 3 rehearsals to go. Tonite is an orchestra rehearsal, but not a run of the piece. Wednesday and Thursday will be that. It's natural at this point (for me) to start doubting all the work I've done up til now. Because of the nature of a Bieito production, my comfort zone has been sorely challenged, and so when nerves begin to settle in, I worry the risks I am taking will be mis-understood or worse, reviled. I'd LIKE to make the next performances, my first time singing this role, about my voice and how excited I am to finally begin this exciting road into Wagner. I understand there is a lot to prove. To top it all off, I wake up this morning to people sending me this link. Needless to say, expectations are rather high.

But to do the job I signed up for, to embrace the production and the vision of it's director, I have to push all that self-doubt and fear out of my head. I'm especially thankful for my wife who has supported me so much. A (not so) funny story. Years ago, I did a production of Rigoletto at Orange County. The staging was rather risque by American standards and I found my hands in places on Maddalena's body that would make Mom blush. My wife and her parents came to the opening of the show. Her dad was a Baptist minister. 

2 months later, lying in bed in the dark one night, my dear wife finally worked up the courage to let me have it. She was pretty upset for me not preparing her for what she was going to see. I don't begrudge her in the slightest. This job is hardest on the spouses.

She forgave me, thank God.

Being forever Forgiven is a beautiful thing. My wonderful wife has put up with a lot of stress over the last decade or so, when my career began to take shape. It's easy to forget that our spouses bear every pain with us. Thanks, Val. I really could have never done it without you. Calixto owes you a million bucks for your support during this production.

But self doubt still rears it's ugly head, especially when stress rises and we think we should back away from the risks we plan to take. Singing the Act Two "love" scene writhing around on the floor is a bit challenging. Lately I think to myself, "what the !@#$ was I thinking, accepting this staging?!" (To the unintiate: it's a REALLY big sing just standing there. But on the floor? Uff.) Or, allowing myself to wear 6ft span wings during the final scene, leaves one thinking: "ya know....ya'll laughing during this aria is NOT the intended response!" The voices in my head all have a Texan accent.

But I'm going to continue to trust the process and leave the doubt at the door and not change a thing. If anything, keep going, trusting the public understands that the challenges we have been given must be embraced or else they will be cheated. It is clear, the reason the entire run of the show is sold out is because of Bieito's name. For me to back away from his vision is unfair.

So, back to Hollywood. Doug Besterman and his wife Johanna wrote a song for me called "Forgive Me." It's been a 16 year old dream for Doug and I to collaborate, since our Eastman School of Music days singing vocal jazz together. Time was finally found to begin that exploration. It's a step that was important to me, to embrace a broader artistic stance. Some won't understand it, but that's alright. All I can do at this point is just ask the Wagnerites, for purists, and family to "Forgive me." I've got to trust the work done, turn off the internal criticism and plead insanity. :-)

Here it is. Bill Cantos on back up vocals. Mixed by Frank Wolf. The demo version of "Forgive Me."

Forgive Me  by  Andrew Richards